Real-life instructions

1. On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet-mounted mirror used by U.S. cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemoroids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. (Ouch!)

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles: OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap: DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife: WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I’m curious.)

18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child’s superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.